(/quote) “but now i’m entering his life again with this email…
i tell him that i hope he’s well, and i report that i am well. i make a few jokes. we always were good with the jokes. then i explain that i think we need to put an end to this relationship for good. that maybe it’s time to admit that it will never happen, that it should never happen. the note isn’t overly dramatic. lord knows we’ve had enough drama together already. i keep it short and simple. but there’s one more thing i need to add. holding my breath, i type, “if you want to look for another partner in your life, of course you have nothing but my blessings.” my hands are shaking. i sign off with love, trying to keep as cheerful a tone as possible.
i feel like i just got hit in the chest with a stick.
i don’t sleep much that night, imagining him reading my words. i run back to the internet cafe a few times throughout the next day, looking for a response. i’m trying to ignore the part of me that is dying to find that he has replied: “COME BACK! DON’T GO! I’LL CHANGE!” i’m trying to disregard the girl in me who would happily drop this whole grand idea of traveling around the world in simple exchange for the keys to david’s apartment. but around ten o’clock that night, i finally get my answer. a wonderfully written email, of course. david always wrote wonderfully. he agrees that, yes, it’s time we really said good-bye forever. he’s been thinking along the same lines himself, he says. he couldn’t be more gracious in his response, and he shares his own feelings of loss and regret with that high tenderness he was sometimes so achingly capable of reaching. he hopes that i know how much he adores me, beyond even his ability to find words to express it. “but we are not what the other one needs,” he says. still, he is certain that i will find great love in my life someday. he’s sure of it. after all, he says, “beauty attracts beauty”.
which is a lovely thing to say, truly. which is just about the loveliest thing that the love of your life could ever possibly say, when he’s not saying,”COME BACK! DON’T GO! I’LL CHANGE!” – Liz Gilbert (/unquote)
i typed this without looking at the monitor in seven minutes. if there were any typos, well i’m sorry. i was too into these lines. it might not say much for you, but i interpreted this as a metaphor. and what continued after that really hit me.
cos i went through it not too long ago. the sadness, the part of my life where it was dark, pitch black. and it poured. my heart and my eyes, it poured. not because i lost the love of my life, no, but because i felt like i lost myself. the “him” in the earlier context, was representing, me, myself & i. and it was like as though i had broken up with myself; completely not knowing who i am anymore, or what i have come to be.
this has got to be one of the only entry where i actually tell the world about my weakness and my fear. my frail bit.
yes, becky ooi was shattered. the loud, strong-headed and sometimes egoistic becky fell apart in a public place, with her pride strewn all over the floor.
my friends watched me in silence, not knowing what to do. they were tired and exhausted from their day, but yet they had to endure my collapse. oh, if only i could show them how much i love them for just being there.
you must be wondering – why?
i’ve got a loving boyfriend, a great job that only many can dream of achieving, and such supportive (and not to mention, tolerant) friends.
why, wasn’t that enough?
i wish i knew. those poor two boys just couldn’t understand, neither could anyone else. i don’t expect them to, because i couldn’t understand it, myself.
but i think to be honest, i needed the meltdown. i needed that to overcome my dark underside, (and again) quoting liz gilbert, “the bone-crushing isolation, corrosive insecurity, insidious resentment and, of course, the complete dismantling of self”.
my bff consoled me, along with his partner in crime, filled with empathy and not knowing what else to say, “it’s just a phase. you’ll pull through”.
and i think i am. not completely fully recovered from that dark night, but i think i finally am gaining control of things again. most importantly, in control of my life. taking baby steps, but definitely moving upwards.
yes, i may have made some rash and impulsive decision, like booking a one way ticket to london without any planning, and taking two weeks off work which i never really had the courage to do so.
but i needed this. it’s my life. i should take charge of it again. and not be lost in a limbo, like how the bff likes to remind me. he’s amazing, despite him being almost in the same situation as i am but yet his words can be pretty comforting at the right time.
and not to forget, the bf who supports me irregardless of how selfish or inconsiderate some of my actions and decisions can be (note: the bff and bf are two different people).
oh, how i love you all. thank you. i am slowly picking up my confidence, and building my self-esteem back. would never have done it without you, and you, and you. you know who you are, provided if you ever read this. but you don’t need to read this to know, honestly. cos i have been chanting it to you all like my daily mantra.
with the deepest love from the bottom of my heart,