not afraid to be with you, just afraid of losing you.

not afraid to be with you, just afraid of losing you.

(/quote) “you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. you must practice staying strong, instead” – by some guru. (/unquote)
i have been hit by misfortunes, one by one. one after another. and to think that sometimes the people you trust will be there for you, might not be there for you or worst, betray you. but betray is a very strong word, and cannot be applicable to all situations. so let’s scratch that out.
i won’t get into details. nor will i point fingers at any other but myself. i’m not playing the holier-than-thou card here, but i see it as my own fault. maybe it’s easier that way.
when people tend to get close to me, instead of embracing it, i push them away. for i fear of losing them someday, and if i get too attached, it will be too hard to accept their loss. and by loss, i don’t just mean death, but lost of friendship, or any sort of loss. as a matter of fact, i did write something about that in one of my random notes;

i love you, i do
so much,
words arent enough to say
im not afraid of being with you
i am just afraid,
of losing you

if i must blame anything at all, i blame fear. and my phobia. so i tend to push people away when they get too close. not so much on my fear of commitment, but definitely because of my fear of losing.
how do i push them away? easy. but i wont say how. i don’t want people to feel offended. nor feel used. or feel anything.
this is my space. obviously i speak through my observation or how i see things. it could sometimes be biased, despite me trying not to be. i love these people, but yet at times, these very same group of people are the ones who hurt me. and i guess, it’s only human nature for that to happen. we can’t be merry together all the time. and sometimes, it is through these hurtful experiences that toughen us up. i’m trying to be optimistic here.
i will be strong. i have been. i wont let things like that bring me down. or at least, try to. i mean come on, people tend to associate becky as being the tough bitch. yes, i may fumble and fall, i may get shattered at times. but it’s all part and parcel of growing up. and you know what? i actually kinda like writing again. i know it hasn’t been the best of the best, and it’s been touching a lot on my “dark” days, but it also serves as a reminder to us all, that nobody is perfect. and to err is human.
conclusion, i will have to accept things the way they are, or how they turn out to. i will not further elaborate. but things won’t be the same again, regardless of how much we try.


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