Monthly Archives: November 2010

suicide.

suicide.

i honestly do not know what the people i work with think of me, be it colleagues, art directors, traffic coordinators and clients. i am always drinking, drinking and drinking and didn’t realise how dependent i am of it, offlate. i do not even effing love beer, but yet it soothes me temporarily and calms me down for the night (provided no one provokes me).
i walk in to the office, almost on alternate days with some alcoholic beverage, and am constantly seen holding one. it’s like i’m the mascot of alcohol these days. not something i’m proud of, seriously.
i am not an alcoholic yet. and i don’t wish to get to that level. i honestly just need to cut down on my alcohol consumption, if not completely stop it. i can feel my livers shrinking as we speak. and not to mention the amount of nicotine intake.
why, am i trying to kill myself, at such a young age? the worst thing is, i actually know what i’m doing. i am aware of it but i just dont really want to give a damn about it.

congrats sandy & brandon!

congrats sandy & brandon!

yay! and another friend got engaged last night. i’m thrilled for her, cos she has been waiting for it for so long.
but marriages are not my thing. isky even warns his friends who are getting married about me. i act as the negative “conscience” where i will question them, “are you sure he’s the one?” “why do you want to get married? is this what you really want?” “so you’re gonna get married, then what?”
isky says im a little too concerned. i care too much. and although he didn’t say this, obviously i’m sure he thought of this, “they are getting married, it’s their life. let them be if that’s what they want. it’s none of your concern.” which is true. so i shouldn’t care. so i usually don’t share my concerns. and to be honest, i am quite prepared to live my wrinkly days, still single and happily living with my dogs. unless there is of course, someone out there who can change this perception of mine about weddings, which i honestly doubt so.
but there are some couples that i am genuinely happy about them getting married. and SANDY LOW B** C****, you are one of them that i am GENUINELY happy for. you told me from the beginning of the relationship with brandon that he’s the one. and you still tell me that after few years of dating this guy. congratulations you both. may you both live a great and amazing life growing old together.

not afraid to be with you, just afraid of losing you.

not afraid to be with you, just afraid of losing you.

(/quote) “you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. you must practice staying strong, instead” – by some guru. (/unquote)
i have been hit by misfortunes, one by one. one after another. and to think that sometimes the people you trust will be there for you, might not be there for you or worst, betray you. but betray is a very strong word, and cannot be applicable to all situations. so let’s scratch that out.
i won’t get into details. nor will i point fingers at any other but myself. i’m not playing the holier-than-thou card here, but i see it as my own fault. maybe it’s easier that way.
when people tend to get close to me, instead of embracing it, i push them away. for i fear of losing them someday, and if i get too attached, it will be too hard to accept their loss. and by loss, i don’t just mean death, but lost of friendship, or any sort of loss. as a matter of fact, i did write something about that in one of my random notes;

i love you, i do
so much,
words arent enough to say
im not afraid of being with you
i am just afraid,
of losing you

if i must blame anything at all, i blame fear. and my phobia. so i tend to push people away when they get too close. not so much on my fear of commitment, but definitely because of my fear of losing.
how do i push them away? easy. but i wont say how. i don’t want people to feel offended. nor feel used. or feel anything.
this is my space. obviously i speak through my observation or how i see things. it could sometimes be biased, despite me trying not to be. i love these people, but yet at times, these very same group of people are the ones who hurt me. and i guess, it’s only human nature for that to happen. we can’t be merry together all the time. and sometimes, it is through these hurtful experiences that toughen us up. i’m trying to be optimistic here.
i will be strong. i have been. i wont let things like that bring me down. or at least, try to. i mean come on, people tend to associate becky as being the tough bitch. yes, i may fumble and fall, i may get shattered at times. but it’s all part and parcel of growing up. and you know what? i actually kinda like writing again. i know it hasn’t been the best of the best, and it’s been touching a lot on my “dark” days, but it also serves as a reminder to us all, that nobody is perfect. and to err is human.
conclusion, i will have to accept things the way they are, or how they turn out to. i will not further elaborate. but things won’t be the same again, regardless of how much we try.

fat and pimply, he still loves me.

fat and pimply, he still loves me.

…so i’m fat. and humongous. and i take too much space in this world and it bothers you. so who’s exactly holding the knife against your throat and forcing you to be friends with me? absofuckinglutely nobody!.
if it bothers you that much, well, sorry to put it so bluntly, but honestly, fuck off.


i love my god-given body.

not skinny, but digging the curves!

i’ve been discriminated my whole life for constantly being the big kid, even when i wasn’t as meaty as i am now (i’ve put on almost 25kgs after being together with iskii), but just for being taller than most people (5’10 for a girl is apparently being perceived as gigantic in malaysia or by asians generally). bighairydeal. i could handle it. in fact, i think it made me the stronger person that i am today. all those mean and hurtful comments i get from the people that surrounds me as i grew up. i still get the reminders EVERYFUCKINGDAY. look people, i have mirrors. i know how i look. i don’t need reminders.
friends don’t judge. friends don’t make hurtful comments. friends don’t remind you of your flaws. they love you for you. they accept you for who you are.
iskii on the other hand, accepts me for just the way that i am. fat and pimply, he still loves me. and it’s amazingly ironic isn’t it that friends are the ones who just can’t, and not the boyfriend?
you guys just amaze me at times. seriously.
p/s: happy 7th birthday, tickle-me.net!

parla come magni…

parla come magni…

(/quote) “but now i’m entering his life again with this email…
i tell him that i hope he’s well, and i report that i am well. i make a few jokes. we always were good with the jokes. then i explain that i think we need to put an end to this relationship for good. that maybe it’s time to admit that it will never happen, that it should never happen. the note isn’t overly dramatic. lord knows we’ve had enough drama together already. i keep it short and simple. but there’s one more thing i need to add. holding my breath, i type, “if you want to look for another partner in your life, of course you have nothing but my blessings.” my hands are shaking. i sign off with love, trying to keep as cheerful a tone as possible.
i feel like i just got hit in the chest with a stick.
i don’t sleep much that night, imagining him reading my words. i run back to the internet cafe a few times throughout the next day, looking for a response. i’m trying to ignore the part of me that is dying to find that he has replied: “COME BACK! DON’T GO! I’LL CHANGE!” i’m trying to disregard the girl in me who would happily drop this whole grand idea of traveling around the world in simple exchange for the keys to david’s apartment. but around ten o’clock that night, i finally get my answer. a wonderfully written email, of course. david always wrote wonderfully. he agrees that, yes, it’s time we really said good-bye forever. he’s been thinking along the same lines himself, he says. he couldn’t be more gracious in his response, and he shares his own feelings of loss and regret with that high tenderness he was sometimes so achingly capable of reaching. he hopes that i know how much he adores me, beyond even his ability to find words to express it. “but we are not what the other one needs,” he says. still, he is certain that i will find great love in my life someday. he’s sure of it. after all, he says, “beauty attracts beauty”.
which is a lovely thing to say, truly. which is just about the loveliest thing that the love of your life could ever possibly say, when he’s not saying,”COME BACK! DON’T GO! I’LL CHANGE!” – Liz Gilbert (/unquote)


finally cracked a smile, so subtle yet so sincere. it has been a while

i typed this without looking at the monitor in seven minutes. if there were any typos, well i’m sorry. i was too into these lines. it might not say much for you, but i interpreted this as a metaphor. and what continued after that really hit me.
cos i went through it not too long ago. the sadness, the part of my life where it was dark, pitch black. and it poured. my heart and my eyes, it poured. not because i lost the love of my life, no, but because i felt like i lost myself. the “him” in the earlier context, was representing, me, myself & i. and it was like as though i had broken up with myself; completely not knowing who i am anymore, or what i have come to be.
this has got to be one of the only entry where i actually tell the world about my weakness and my fear. my frail bit.
yes, becky ooi was shattered. the loud, strong-headed and sometimes egoistic becky fell apart in a public place, with her pride strewn all over the floor.
my friends watched me in silence, not knowing what to do. they were tired and exhausted from their day, but yet they had to endure my collapse. oh, if only i could show them how much i love them for just being there.
you must be wondering – why?
i’ve got a loving boyfriend, a great job that only many can dream of achieving, and such supportive (and not to mention, tolerant) friends.
why, wasn’t that enough?
i wish i knew. those poor two boys just couldn’t understand, neither could anyone else. i don’t expect them to, because i couldn’t understand it, myself.
but i think to be honest, i needed the meltdown. i needed that to overcome my dark underside, (and again) quoting liz gilbert, “the bone-crushing isolation, corrosive insecurity, insidious resentment and, of course, the complete dismantling of self”.
my bff consoled me, along with his partner in crime, filled with empathy and not knowing what else to say, “it’s just a phase. you’ll pull through”.
and i think i am. not completely fully recovered from that dark night, but i think i finally am gaining control of things again. most importantly, in control of my life. taking baby steps, but definitely moving upwards.
yes, i may have made some rash and impulsive decision, like booking a one way ticket to london without any planning, and taking two weeks off work which i never really had the courage to do so.
but i needed this. it’s my life. i should take charge of it again. and not be lost in a limbo, like how the bff likes to remind me. he’s amazing, despite him being almost in the same situation as i am but yet his words can be pretty comforting at the right time.
and not to forget, the bf who supports me irregardless of how selfish or inconsiderate some of my actions and decisions can be (note: the bff and bf are two different people).
oh, how i love you all. thank you. i am slowly picking up my confidence, and building my self-esteem back. would never have done it without you, and you, and you. you know who you are, provided if you ever read this. but you don’t need to read this to know, honestly. cos i have been chanting it to you all like my daily mantra.
with the deepest love from the bottom of my heart,
b.

london here i come!

london here i come!

i’m flying to london!!!! this is the most daring and impromptu thing i’ve EVER done. booking a flight to london just because i feel like it and i’m going alone. best bit? i’m booking a one way ticket!!! oh my. i love this feeling of not knowing what’s going to happen! i could go to milan, rome, vienna, budapest…. oh lord, the possibilities are endless!
16th may 2011, my childhood dream comes alive! god, i’m super super super ecstatic. wheeee!!!!

diarrhea of colors.

diarrhea of colors.


check out the diarrhea of colors, yo! looks like some phoenix + peacock do.

you like my new multicolored hair with bangs? jengjengjeng. i’m young, and i only live once. even if this hairdo is a mistake, i’ll embrace it!


shot & edited by ah tan’s handycam. heh, the bangs looks okay what!

november, things should be merrier!

november, things should be merrier!

it’s november! things are suppose to be all shiny shimmery and everything merry in a new month isn’t it?
i hope so.
love the fact that i’m busy as a bee, but not liking so much that i can no longer have the freedom to take short breaks and party.
can’t have the best of both worlds, i suppose?
suck it in. life’s like that.
happy 61st monthliiversarii to us both, btw.