a *toast* to those who are yet to live their dreams.

a *toast* to those who are yet to live their dreams.

i could still remember my first few days in peter & jane kindergarten, kangar, perlis. yes, i was a kampung girl, growing up surrounded by paddy fields. oh, those carefree days i’ve had. you know, i had this really good guy buddy back then, ali, who would run around the housing area naked. it was fun. but that aside, back in kindy, i was the tallest there (what’s new, really?) and i was the only one without uniform around because wearing it would be like wearing a super-mini dress. and i’m sure back then showing off your buttocks weren’t sexy to these pre-puberty kids. i was really skinny back then but height was already an issue. i remember myself as someone very talkative, very expressive. my teacher would be so annoyed, she’d pull my long ponytail. i’ve always, always been very talkative so it came to no surprise to my teachers and classmates then when i was asked to tell what my ambition was. being someone in the entertainment industry. because my mouth can never shut up.
many years down the road, my ambition never really swung very far away from there. i wanted to be a fashion designer, a singer, a song composer, an actress, a director. whatever that was related (except for fashion designing, of course). notice how it always falls towards the creative side. but i ended up in pure science stream anyway when i was in highschool because the arts stream was completely crap. ECONOMICS were considered as part of the art stream. so was ACCOUNTS. like, hello? i don’t see a relevance here but since our education system was irrelevant, i might as well be going to what people perceive as the ‘stream with the better future’.
as expected, i sorta wasted two years studying physics, add maths, biology & chemistry. the interest was not there, so regardless of how damn interesting it might be to some people, it wasn’t to me most of the time. i would skip classes and dream of making it big someday. i wasn’t really the most useful & productive student around but i’ve managed to pull it through the last couple of years in highschool, scoring mainly in languages (again, because i love speaking and it seems relevant, no?). i was the president of our school choir club for a couple of years, and had also won the best actress award in our inter-form competition and also in debates. BECAUSE, if i haven’t already stressed it enough, i love to talk and be expressive.

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after spending four & a half years studying on advertising & film, i graduated with a diploma & bachelor’s degree. and am currently working as a line producer in a renown commercial photography studio (or some call them as still production houses). i’ve been there a month’s short from a year. i’ve met so many people from the advertising industry & have learnt about the struggles of being in the industry the hard way. i’ve had the passion for advertising ever since college but is this what i really want? i want to be able to be recognised for my abilities; talents. i’ve traveled as far as india to perform stage dramas. i’ve won awards in college. and i’m used to being able to express myself through my work in college. so by being a still photography producer, there really isn’t much space where your creativity is allowed to be explored. because those who decide are the art directors & the photographers. we’re merely the middle person. like account servicing in advertising agencies. you don’t get recognition from the industry. NOBODY WILL GO, “HEY, THE BEST ACCOUNT SERVICING PERSON IN THE WORLD IS … “. you get what i mean?
so right now, i’m stuck. for i do not know what can i be? it is not that my job sucks. it’s really interesting. but it’s about following your dreams, as cliche as that might sound, it’s true. but what can i be? being twenty-three is TOO OLD in the entertainment industry. i am too old to be a singer because my breasts cannot compete with the perkiers ones like the teenage singers around. and i’m not skinny. people judge you on your outlooks before talent. a fatty like me is judge as a klutz & a glutton, that’s a definite. it’s harsh but it’s not a lie. and it’s the same for the rest of the other ambitions i’ve mentioned earlier. maybe a radio dj, but can i really pull it? do i have enough things to say to entertain people for hours? i can do it during yum cha sessions & parties, but talking to an empty room full with buttons and a mic doesn’t seem that easy. and it’s killing me inside to know that i can never live my childhood dream. but c’est la vie. that’s life. however, i hope that someday, i will be getting credits for what i do best. yakking & being able to express myself (and some say eating too). to all those who are facing the same dilemma as me, not knowing where your future lies and am still trying to pursue your dreams, here’s a *toast* to us.

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42 Responses

  1. Hi, how are you? hope you are doing well, i back hear after long time, just now, something come to my mind, i want to share with you, can you send your email to me? then i tell you there.thanks
    take care

  2. *toast* we drink nonetheless! i believe in you, becks. your dreams would come true and you have my full support. *mUaaaaaaaaax* *huGGles wuGGles* love ya babes. 🙂

  3. ok that was a bit too short.
    but i was speechless. so touching ler claudine. *cuddles and squeezes teteks*
    wwwooooveee ya too! 🙂

  4. lolz what off topic, real mar .. both spelt toast hehe 😀 you will get what you want, now gain as much as you can lor, im sure you will be successful in this industry .. ganbatehhh … im next to clod, support you all the way … 🙂

  5. 😀 me support u too,becky!!!go..go..go..me think me in d wrong industry too..perhaps wrong co..omg~can die la…can hardly learn anything…seriously in need 2 find a better job which can teach me lotsa stuff…
    becky~~jadi emcee?

  6. sp there are many more people supporting you 😀 😀 u will be SOMEONE one day 😀 and I will go … ehe that’s my sp hahahha and they will ask what is sp .. i will say sleeping partner lolz

  7. omg, dont make me tear. ;(
    and IF that day ever comes, i’ll never forget those who had my back. and telling ppl ur my sleeping partner would be a proud moment. 😉

  8. i support all the way.if you need help let me know and i will try my best to help you out…cheers….anyway, how is maxine…her birthday around the corner rite???=)same day with me…lol…cheers and take care…=)_

  9. haiyaa…why la blog such a thing. was just slightly depressed over the weekend because I realised I’ve yet to achieve (not even near!) what I WANT to…and the time frame I’ve given myself, well…plan not falling in place. feel like a failure…
    nevertheless…here’s to that future, soon!!!

  10. fer, sorry about the depressing entry. i guess it serves as a reminder to us all about the dreams we all used to have and where we are today and how far we are from achieving it. *cheers, fer*

  11. hallo maxine haha .. i’m er how am i … breathing n surviving, how u? countdown countdown bday coming hhaha 😀
    sp no la .. i didnt go i stayed home n sleep pulak lolz

  12. yeah lor whatever shots also i skipped ahha kawan tak jadi so i stayed home n sleep, plus i felt so da ssuper tired that day hehe

  13. haha we should go drinking. ttdi plaza so the near for me!!! 😀 yums. go bambo9 ok? 😀

  14. at the end of the day youre just wondering is all this worth that 4.5yrs spent studying right? you spent those years studying/working like a bitch on heat to earn your recognition needed, now in the industry also same thing.
    but the downside is, you wont necessarily get the recognition that you earned because someone else in the system is giving out better blowjobs than you, and doing lesser in terms of workload.
    sad. but true.
    just like that song goes ‘trying to make ends meet, be a slave to money then you die’

  15. muehehehehe… yea man. i doubt i’m ever alone. and i wont bow down until the extend of having to sleep with bosses and what nots la to get recognition. let’s just hope luck sides me someday. 😛

  16. maybe in bizzaro world.. heheh
    besides, the whole ‘giving better blowjobs than you’ is just a metaphor.
    dont take that seriously.
    i say that because it shows how much of a slut these ppl can end up being. 🙂

  17. lol, yea i’m not taking it literally la but i’ve seen how some ppl would just do anything to gain what they call, power, siuts.
    i’m sure you know a couple yourselves, kan? 😀